I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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