I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
