I wish I could teleport
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
