upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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