you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
