i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
