Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
