It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i came on her dog
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
