Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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