Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
