New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
3pm strippers are depressing
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
