I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
