a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
