god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So drunk its hurt
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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