I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
