you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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