I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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