This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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