highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
