Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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