You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
