Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I have feelings that need drinking.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
