im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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