So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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