I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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