You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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