It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
