I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
