I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
