i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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