I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
