tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
