I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
