This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
