you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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