Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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