I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
