the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
