So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
