Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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