For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
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