I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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