respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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