And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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