What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
