No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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