I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
