i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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