dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
