Can i not drive my cunt home
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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