just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
