She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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