Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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