I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
