I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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