Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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