Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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