a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
