He uses pillows to masturbate.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine